Why do our ‘shadow’ qualities get triggered when we are in a relationship with others?
Let’s take romantic relationships and friendships. Why do our very close loved ones trigger the worst in us? One minute we ‘love’ them, and the next minute we feel hurt. We argue; we want to run away from the pain; we try to escape through food, drugs, or media. We feel confused.
Our reactions towards our loved ones surprise even us. Our actions seem so ugly, unnatural and unbecoming of us, making us feel guilty. Yet, we may feel almost like an angel with a different person – beautiful, pure, calm, and more like ourselves.
Well, it’s possible to see why all those things may be happening to us if we could accept that our nature is not limited to mere physical bodies and minds. We are, in essence, spiritual beings evolving through physical experience in a three-dimensional reality.
Everything in the universe vibrates. Things that are more physically dense vibrate slower than those that are less dense. Ice has a slower vibration than water; water vibrates slower than steam. Our bodies vibrate at a lower rate compared to our soul and spirit.
Each one of us is a total of all vibrational signatures we carry. We are complex, unique, never fully understood. We often don’t know why we do things the way we do them, get attracted to people that are not good for us, choose professions that make us feel unhappy and unexpressed, make choices we later regret.
I knew little about spiritual psychology if I can call it this way until, a few years ago, I encountered numerology and started using it in my work. I’ve analysed so many people, couples, relationships over the years that I have stopped doubting credibility and usefulness.
My experience has been deep and revelling. No wonder, it used to be called the science of numerology!
Over and over, I observed repeating patterns of numbers perfectly aligning with people’s lives. Insights triggered emotional healing in my clients, as they were coming to understand themselves for the first time.
What relief to know that there is nothing wrong with you! How amazing it is to be reminded of the rules of the game you came to play here! How much easier life becomes when you know who you are, where you stand, and where you are headed to! You feel in the flow.
It’s fascinating how much the date of birth of a person can tell about their character, physicality, health, desires and aspirations, afflictions and weaknesses, skills and strengths of character. But the main thing is that it reveals their soul’s desires for expression and growth.
For hundreds, if not thousands of years, we have viewed the human being as flesh with some capacity to reason. We didn’t understand their spiritual nature, so we chose to discard it altogether. It’s where our issues as a race began. The level of dissatisfaction and unhappiness on the planet, particularly in the western world, is unprecedented, despite the relative wealth.
Yet, we consider ourselves high minded people. Our highly programmed mind has become the ruler. We have long forgotten the spiritual source of our existence. We shun intuition and ignore the urges and earnings of our hearts. No wonder we are so lost and unhappy in our lives. We don’t know who we are.
Let’s consider the issue of romantic attraction dilemmas through the numerology lens as an example. It draws a fascinating picture of struggle and complexity.
We will only look at the influence of the Ruling Number. To find your ruling number, add all digits of your date of birth together. If the result is two digits, add them again to come to a single digit. Pay attention to a couple of ‘special’ numbers, 11 and 22. Don’t add these numbers; leave them as 11 and 22. They are called master vibrations (as are 8 and 9 are; 5 carries limited master vibration) and vibrate relatively high. People with these ruling numbers possess a high potential for accessing spiritual wisdom and extrasensory skills. Unfortunately, many of them are spiritual babes.
For instance, Bob was born on: 22.11.1976
Add all numbers: 2+2+1+1+1+9+7+4=29 2+9=11
Bob’s Ruling Number is 11
- So, if your date of birth adds to 1 (or ten, which is 1), your heart desires an 11 person to be your lover, friend, or business partner. But 11 doesn’t want a 1; he wants a 6. Jealousy, egotism, and carelessness may rule such a union.
- Serving, caring2 desires a creative-destructive 6. But 6 wants a thinking fighter 9.
- Socialite 3 longs for a lonely 1, but 1 desires a hyper-sensitive, withdrawn 11.
- Organised, material, family-oriented 4 is attracted to 9, but the freedom-loving, constantly on the move 9 prefers 5 or 8.
- 5 desires the free-spirited 5 or independent, spiritual 8 or the magnetic 9. Their relationships are rocky and fateful.
- The 6’s heart wants a 9. But the 9 wants 9, 5 or 8.
- A questioning scientist 7 wants a sceptic 1. But the 1 wants an 11.
- An 8 wants a 5 or a 9 to match their wisdom.
- A 9 loves 8 or 5, and his love is returned.
- The master-builder 22 desires the originator 11, but the 11 wants the creative 6. The 6 is attracted to the ambitious 9.
What a wild carousel this world of relationships! As you see, choosing your partner may be a tough task.
All this is great, but what’s now, you’ll ask me. “My partner, my friend, or my lover don’t match me vibrationally; it seems that our life is a constant roller-costa; we attract and repel. It’s not a peaceful, harmonious life. We struggle but don’t seem to be able to separate and go our own ways. Why is it, and what can we do?!!”
Well, my lovely friend, the fact that the two of you came together means that either something in your vibration (which can be seen in your names) created a strong attraction in the first place, or an emotional entanglement (call it karmic debt) happened in the process of your relationship.
It doesn’t necessarily have to be your heart that led you into the relationship. The impulse might have come from your mind. We often create idealistic pictures of a perfect partner and misinterpret our feelings. Then get stuck in a loveless relationship.
But the fact that the two of you are still struggling in the relationship indicates that you still have some learning to do.
When your partner ‘triggers’ your ‘shadow’ qualities, he allows you to see that those unpleasant qualities are still in you and need attention. He is your mirror in this case.
For instance, you are naturally a kind and loving person but react with anger to your partner. He keeps acting in ways to remind you that the seed of anger is still in you, ready to sprout and grow.
Next time it happens, ask yourself, why am I angry? To answer, go inside. “I am angry because “he makes me” attitude won’t help you grow personally and evolve through the situation. If there is no anger lever within you, no one can make you angry. You’ve got to resonate with anger inside to be able to produce it outwardly.
Are you angry because you can’t accept him for who he is? Is it because you don’t know who you are? Are you fearful? Resenting? Hurt? Why? Feeling being attacked? Helpless?
When we understand, fully accept, and respect who we are, we can gift others the same acceptance, appreciation and regard. It is what we call self-love and genuine love for others. Such love can dispel any shadows. It works like the light for the darkness. When the light is on, the darkness disappears.
“Will I stay and be happy with my partner then,” you may ask?
Maybe. Or perhaps, having realised about yourself and having solved the emotional entanglement, you will choose to part your ways. But, this time, the inspiration will arise from the space of love, not the shadow, the root of which is fear.