The Shadow Self and Close Relationships
A conversation with a friend today inspired me to share my understanding of why our ‘shadow’ qualities get triggered when we are in a relationship with others and what we can do to grow beyond them.
Let’s take close relationships – marriage, friendships, partnerships. Why do our very close ones – our partners who we used to love so much seem to trigger the worst in us? Why do we love this person that pays no attention to us, but all into our friend instead? Why do some couples look so odd, yet seem so happy and harmonious?
It feels sometimes that the whole chemistry in relationships subject doesn’t really work. One minute we love the person, the next minute they hurt us as no one could ever do. We argue; we shout; we scream; we want to run away from them as fast and as far as possible, we try to escape through food, drugs, or media. Our reactions towards them surprise even us. Our actions seem ugly, so unnatural and unbecoming of us. Yet, with a different person, we can feel almost like an angel – beautiful, pure, and calm, and… more like ourselves.
Well, it’s easy to see why all those things may be happening to us if we are able to see ourselves not as mere bodies and minds, but that what we truly are – spiritual beings evolving through experience in physical bodies in a three-dimensional reality.
It is not a new fact that everything in the universe vibrates. This is not a subject for discussion any longer. It’s a scientific fact. Things that are more physically dense vibrate slower than those that are less dense. Ice has a slower vibration than water; water vibrates slower than steam. Our bodies are much denser compared to our spirits. At least it’s how we perceive them.
As human beings, we exist on three different planes and vibrate at three different rates – the lowest and slowest vibrating is our body, followed by our soul, then the spirit, that vibrates the highest or fastest.
To be successful, healthy and in harmony with oneself and others, all three planes have to be in harmony and act as one. The result of such an alliance is a synchronised (ideally) consciousness that has a unique vibration, which we find encoded in the digits of one’s date of birth.
To calculate the vibration of your consciousness, simply add all digits of your date of birth together. If the result is 2 digits, add them again to come to a single digit. The caveat you need to pay attention to are a couple of ‘special’ numbers, 11 and 22. If you have 11 or 22 as the total sum of all your numbers, don’t add the digits; leave them as 11 and 22. They are called Master-vibrations and vibrate very high. Usually, people who have a very high inner potential, like spiritual masters have these as their Ruling Number (or Date of Birth Digit).
For instance, Bob was born on: 22.11.1976
Add all numbers: 2+2+1+1+1+9+7+4=29 2+9=11
Bob’s Ruling Number is 11
This number can show, among many things, our heart’s desires and wants, our strengths and weaknesses, and, even, our life paths and goals. Let’s only look at our heart’s desires for now.
1 If your date of birth adds to 1 (or ten, which is 1), your heart desires an 11 person to be your lover, friend, or business partner. But 11 doesn’t want a 1; he wants a 6. Shadows may get triggered here.
2 A 2 desires a 6. But 6 wants a 9.
3 3 longs for 1, but the 1 desires an 11.
4 A 4 is attracted to a 9. But 9 prefers 5 or 8.
5 A 5 desires his/her own kind (5) or 8 or 9.
6 A 6’s heart wants a 9. But the 9 wants his own kind or 5 or 8.
7 A 7 wants a 1 person. But the 1 wants an 11.
8 An 8 wants a 5 or a 9, and they return their desire. No shadow gets cast (ideally, if both express their vibration to the full).
9 A 9 loves 8 or 5 and his love is returned. No shadow.
10 A 22 desires an 11. But the 11 wants a 6. And the 6 is attracted to 9.
What a wild carousel this world of relationships!
This is all great, but what’s now? you’ll ask me. Me and my partner, my friend, my lover… don’t match based on our vibrations. It seems that our life is a constant roller-costa; we attract and repel. It’s not a peaceful, harmonious life. We struggle but don’t seem to be able to separate and go our own way. Why is it and what can we do?!!
Well, my lovely friend, the fact that the two of you came together, means there was something in your vibration (can be seen in your names) that created a strong attraction in the first place. The fact that you are still together means that you still have a lot of learning to do together and still need each other. When your partner ‘triggers’ your ‘shadow’ qualities, or your weak traits, he allows you to see that those unpleasant qualities are still in you and need attention.
For instance, you are naturally a kind and loving person, but your partner triggers anger in you. He keeps acting in ways that remind you that the seed of anger is still there, ready to sprout and grow.
Next time it happens, ask yourself, why am I angry? To answer, go inside yourself. “Because he makes me so,” won’t cut it. If there is no anger in you, no one can make you angry. You’ve got to resonate with anger inside to be able to produce it outwardly.
Are you angry, because you can’t accept him for what he is? Is it because you don’t know who you are or don’t accept yourself with all your goodness and weaknesses?
When we understand, fully accept, and respect who we are – truly, deeply understand it, we can gift others the same acceptance, understanding and respect. This is called self-love and true love for others. Such Love can dispel any shadows. It works a bit like the light for the darkness. When the light goes on, the darkness disappears.
Will I stay and be happy with my partner then, you may ask?
Maybe. Maybe very much so. Or maybe that the two of you, having realised who you truly are, with all your desires and aspirations, strengths and imperfections, you will choose to part your ways as partners or lovers, stay friends and move on. But, this time, it will arise from the space of love, not a shadow.
You can’t predict the outcome. You only find out if you live the experience and grow through it. In any case, it’s worth trying.
Love you all.
Be happy, my friends.
PS Thank you, my beautiful, lovely K for your inspiration that made me want to write this article. You know that inspiring people is your nature – you are an effortless spark that creates many fires by simply being you. love you.